Illness (of the Soul and Body)

A few years ago, during a spiritual massage in Bali, I was asked what I feared most in life.

I answered: illness. The reply I got was, "But you are already sick." And I truly was. I would wake up in the middle of the night, between 2 and 4 a.m., tormented by diarrhea.

My efforts and work on myself were incredibly challenging and painful, especially for my stomach. Every emotional problem, stress, and anxiety manifested in my stomach, attacking it. This pattern had been with me since childhood.

We are all sick—if not physically, then spiritually.

And if the soul is sick, it will inevitably affect the body. Illness is a call for deep rest, self-love, and release....My immune system takes a hit every time I experience emotional, stressful, or exhausting events. Despite continuous, intense work on my mental health and the daily healing process, my body occasionally signals that something is still wrong. These unprocessed emotions, swept under the proverbial rug, resurface until they cause physical harm to my body. This usually manifests as muscle tension, shoulder trauma, and spasms. I’ve had back and hip injuries. Once, I even lost my hearing for two weeks due to jaw tension that blocked the eardrums.

For a long time, I thought all the injuries, blockages, and pain were primarily related to my sports activities. Snowboarding, tennis, and wakesurfing demand a lot of strength and endurance, both physically and mentally. Of course, I’m not talking about typical sports injuries like a dislocated knee from a fall on the board, tennis elbow, or a slipped disc from tricks on the wakesurf. These are natural results of engaging in sports.

However, twice in a row, I flew to Poland for vacation in a wheelchair. Last year, the situation reached its peak when Melis, after her shoulder surgery, was the one pushing my wheelchair—family disability! Alongside these sports injuries, there were also strange ailments I couldn’t explain earlier. Like the temporary hearing loss or the injuries after wakesurfing sessions that always happened in the same place, at the same time, and in the same way. I realized that places, people, and accidents happen to us because we don't listen to our intuition or our bodies. I know that it’s beautiful to follow your heart in life—I’m living proof of that. But what if the heart is wounded and sometimes gets it wrong? The body doesn’t. It always gives us signals. We suffer because we ignore them! Even slight fatigue or localized pain can end in an injury lasting months. I ignored my body many times, hurting my soul in the process! And vice versa.

It took me incredible long to stop fighting with myself, set boundaries, and say "No."

This inability hurt me the most. It’s not about giving up on someone, event, or place.

It’s about the fact that, being sick in the soul, I attacked my body. All emotions—fears, sadness, regrets, shame—kept too long inside our body lead to illness. To losing oneself.

Wasting time worrying, we lose health, experience injuries, and spend days, weeks, even months in rehabilitation. Frequent visits to physiotherapists or other specialists every 3 to 6 months are exhausting and costly. But what’s most draining is lying to yourself, doing things against your own values. By making others happy, we make ourselves unhappy.

How many times have you known that you shouldn’t do something because it would hurt in the end? And yet! Our addiction to the comfort zone, the same events, the same people, places, emotions, traumas, closes doors to many possibilities and our potential!

I’ve known for a long time that my injuries weren’t random. They were my karma—unlearned lessons. Now I listen to my body more closely, or rather, I’ve been forced to. In recent months, aside from walks and a few tennis games, not much is happening in terms of sports. Mentally and physically, I’ve been completely down, because how long can you keep lying to yourself? How long? Until you’re tired of being tired of the same situations you keep entangling yourself in. As Einstein said: "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

When the Body Says NO!

Last year in Poland, I bought a book by Gabor Maté, whom I adore, titled When the Body Says No: The Hidden Cost of Stress. Dr. Maté explains through many examples, studies, and documentation how incredible the mind-body connection is. How stress, emotions, and traumas cause diseases like heart conditions, diabetes, cancer, and many others. The stories Dr. Maté describes are sad, depressing, and terrifying. Even the table of contents explains a lot. I highly recommend this read! I also recommend other publications and interviews with Dr. Maté, which address many important topics related to mental health. He emphasizes that childhood traumas cause illness, and being too nice is harmful. Protecting our own needs is essential because if, when we want to say "no" and set boundaries, but we say "yes," our body will definitely say "NO" in the end. Unfortunately, we are taught and programmed to meet the expectations of others, to fit into a mold, a system, society. This affects us both mentally and physically. The body constantly sends us signals.

What is stress? It’s a biological process that arises in our body as a result of events, sometimes entirely beyond our control and awareness. Stress appears when we feel threatened. We often experience it long before our body becomes exhausted, overwhelmed, and tired. Until it feels physical pain so intense, we don’t know why it’s happening! Why does this all happen? Because we ignore all the signs of the existing illness, such as fatigue, dizziness, stomachaches, insomnia. Yet pain and illness are signs that we are taking on too much! We disregard and push aside our emotions only for our body to display them later as symptoms of illness!

We need to take care of ourselves. Especially when we take care of others.

Even at airports, they teach us to put on our own oxygen mask first, then on the child.

That’s because if we don’t have energy, health, and strength, how can we give that to others? We need to care for our bodies to fully enjoy life and share ourselves with those we love. We must work through all the traumas and emotions we carry from childhood and generations past to avoid the situation we increasingly hear about on social media—the "trend" of depression. Depression, which will likely return frequently in my blog, has taken half of my life. I lost many years trying to accept that what seemed okay actually wasn’t. I hid my problems, swept them under the rug. I didn’t want to worry others, and I tried to prove I was independent and strong, facing every adversity. As a result, I fell into this "trendy" depression, along with an additional illness.

Depression is Not a Trend: Recognizing the Seriousness and Importance of Self-Care

Depression is often the final stage, where the body can no longer cope with trauma, and eventually strikes the body so hard that escape becomes impossible. When depression hits, the body falls, it gives up. Even animals experience this state. This fall is the body’s strategy to bypass feelings we can no longer bear. I’ve battled this state twice, and along the way, there were likely smaller episodes we often call fatigue, burnout, sadness, or grief. Important note: If these states lead to the body collapsing for 5 days to 2 weeks, they are no longer minor episodes but a serious depressive state, calling for help! In such cases, I urge you not to ignore it, not to give up, but to seek help from a specialist!

It took me a long time to take this step because, as a strong, independent, brave, self-sufficient "do-it-yourself" person, and a strong Polish mother living abroad, I was supposed to handle myself, right? Well, NO! that’s not true! It’s time to stop the silence and pretending to be a hero or a strong woman...

In the name of what?! What will people say? Because the family will be proud of you? Because your partner will appreciate and adore you? Everyone thinks about themselves, everyone has their own problems, and partners leave even models, actresses, and the greatest successful women!

Everything we do in life should, first and foremost, concern ourselves. Everything can be changed! If we want to, if we experience existential pain—at work, in a relationship, in company—We can change everything! It’s our life!

It is therefore very important to deal with our emotions and traumas, both those from childhood and those passed down through generations. Many people struggle with issues that have been suppressed for years, and this suppression leads to various disorders, including depression. Depression is more than just feeling down or a momentary sadness—it’s a deep, inner pain that can paralyze us, draining our energy and joy from life. It often becomes the last signal that the body can no longer bear the emotional and psychological weight we carry.

The "trend" of depression that I am talking about is a phenomenon often mistakenly perceived as something "normal" or even "trendy." Meanwhile, depression is a serious illness that requires attention, understanding, and treatment. It’s important for us to understand that we are not invincible and that each of us has our limits.

If we think that therapy, medication, or other forms of self-work will immediately make us feel better, we are mistaken. Transitioning from survival mode to a state of peace and safety requires a significant amount of time and rest, and that's okay! Rest is also part of the healing process.

Do not ignore the signals...

My experience shows how crucial it is not to ignore the signals coming from our body and mind. Depression, especially in its advanced stages, is a sign that it’s time for change, time to seek help, and time to take care of ourselves. Silence and pretending that everything is fine only deepens the problem.

It’s also a warning for all of us to pay attention to ourselves and our needs. What others think should not be more important than our health and happiness. Remember, what matters most is how we feel in our own lives, not what others think of us. Each of us deserves to be happy and fulfilled, which, of course, requires the courage to put ourselves first.

Everything can change if we have the courage and determination to make it happen. Life is ours, and we decide how we live it. Sometimes we need to stop, listen to ourselves, and take the steps that will lead us to a better, healthier life.

#singlemommess