Codependency: Uncovering and Breaking Dysfunctional Relationship Patterns

During one of my therapy sessions, I received yet another diagnosis: codependency. But what exactly is it? It’s a complex, dysfunctional relationship dynamic where we neglect our own needs and values to maintain a connection with another person. Typically, a codependent individual loses themselves in caring for someone close to them who is struggling with various forms of addiction—whether it be substance abuse, alcohol, gambling, internet addiction, sex addiction, or other mental or physical disorders.

Codependency also applies to toxic and destructive relationships. Victims of toxic partners often cannot cope on their own and need specialist help and support from their loved ones. Unfortunately, in many cases, they do not receive this support because those around them do not understand what really happens in such relationships. There is still a tendency to generalize and downplay the problem, for example, by saying things like "others have it worse" or "at least they don’t hit you or drink." This kind of approach ignores the fact that emotional abuse can have equally, if not more, destructive consequences than physical violence.

In these relationships, one person has enormous physical and emotional needs, while the other dedicates their time and energy to meet them. The codependent person becomes so involved in helping that their own life, actions, and relationships are neglected.

This situation can be harmful to both sides. The codependent person loses themselves, while the other party struggles to overcome their addiction, as they do not take responsibility for their actions. Often, codependent individuals are overly sensitive, which paradoxically hinders the recovery process of their loved one.

People affected by codependency constantly focus on the needs of others, unaware of their own. Setting boundaries, being assertive, or asking for help becomes a significant challenge for them.

Causes and Effects of Codependency

Codependency is a complex phenomenon rooted in various life experiences and behavior patterns. One of the main causes of codependency is childhood spent in a dysfunctional family. Children raised in homes where issues such as alcoholism, domestic violence, or mental disorders occur often learn that their own needs are less important than the needs of others. They grow up believing that they must "save" others to deserve love and acceptance.

Codependent individuals often have low self-esteem and believe their worth depends on how much they are needed by others. To confirm their value, they engage in caring for others and meeting their needs while struggling to set healthy boundaries in relationships. They feel responsible for the emotions and behaviors of others, convinced that it is their duty to "fix" the problems of their loved ones.

Codependency is often associated with a fear of rejection or abandonment, which can lead to excessive involvement in relationships at the expense of their own health and happiness. Codependent individuals are emotionally dependent on the approval of others and need someone to need them, as it gives them a sense of purpose and security.

In some cultures and communities, sacrificing oneself for others, especially within the family, is strongly promoted, which can reinforce tendencies toward codependency and make them the norm.

Codependency and Women

Codependency often affects women more frequently. It's almost ingrained in us—to prioritize the needs of others above our own, to the point of neglecting ourselves. We regularly take on the role of a savior in times of crisis, taking on more than we can handle. This leads to feelings of resentment, exhaustion, and even depression. Constant vigilance, controlling the moods and behaviors of others, especially over a long period, can lead to severe psychological consequences.

Regularly playing the role of giver or rescuer leads to feelings of exhaustion and bitterness. Although we are often aware that we don't want to do this, the fear of losing a connection makes us abandon ourselves and our needs, constantly taking on more and more.

Being attuned to the needs of family and loved ones, paying attention to their problems and needs, and an extraordinary awareness of other people's behaviors can lead to constant thinking and analyzing of events. This, in turn, causes excessive anxiety about judgment. We often feel safe only when we have full control over the situation, quickly fixing problems or getting involved in helping others before anything happens. The sense of security is also associated with being close to those who, in our view, cannot cope without our help. Some, like me, may also adopt an extremely independent attitude. Throughout my youth and adulthood, I went my own way, doing everything myself. Not involving loved ones in my problems and not asking for help.

Boundaries and Autonomy

People with codependency issues often struggle with setting and maintaining boundaries. To do this, we must understand and connect with ourselves—know what we need, what we can tolerate, and what we cannot. Only then can we assertively set boundaries. We often feel guilty or selfish for setting boundaries, but the truth is that healthy dependency is essential in any relationship. People thrive with social support, which is two-sided—both given and received. Healthy dependency means we can support others without neglecting ourselves.

Your Own Experience

And what about you? Do you prioritize others' needs over your own? Do you know what your needs and desires are? Can you set boundaries? I personally struggle with answering these questions. My codependency has taken different forms and wasn't confined to just one situation. These unaddressed patterns influenced other toxic relationships that I tolerated and invited into my life and my children's lives. I carry years of accumulated anger, resentment toward myself and others, and the exhaustion that comes from dealing with both my own and the world's problems. I am fully aware that I cannot save anyone, especially if that person, in my view, is acting wrongly, harming themselves and others. As a result, I lose myself, and two people suffer: one because they cannot cope with their problem, and the other because they cannot help them. This awareness is exhausting, both mentally and physically. This feeling of exhaustion deepens when you strive for your own and others' well-being, and someone fails to recognize and appreciate it. It drains our energy on every level.

The Path to Healing

The time has come to reclaim yourself by consciously making choices that lead to creating healthy, interdependent relationships. It's time to recognize your patterns of codependency and break these old habits, creating new, conscious relationships—both with yourself and others. When we break our habits and patterns of codependency, we can become more autonomous, respecting our own boundaries and saying "no" without guilt or pressure.

Awareness and Action

Awareness of your own codependency is exhausting, but it is also the key to healing. Each of us is the master of our own destiny, and taking responsibility for our own decisions, regardless of others' opinions, is crucial in the recovery process. It's about freeing yourself from making everyone else's life better at the expense of your own. You are responsible for your own happiness. By regularly taking care of yourself, you can ensure your needs are met, clearly expressing and communicating your desires. It's important to give others space and support to meet their own needs and desires, enabling mutual growth and evolution. However, you shouldn't do all the work for someone else—maintain your autonomy, respect your boundaries, and learn to say "no" without guilt, pressure, anger, or forcing yourself to do anything.

How can you tell if you are in healthy relationships rather than codependent ones? When you feel safe and comfortable expressing your needs, desires, and emotions. When you are confident that you can ask for support when facing difficulties. When you can let others know that they are asking too much of you without fear of being rejected or ignored. When you can speak your truth without denying your own reality.

Taking Action

The most effective step in fighting codependency is to start therapy. The primary goal of therapy is to provide psychological help to the codependent person, who needs to recognize their problem and change their way of thinking about themselves. Codependent people often feel emotionally lost, lose their sense of identity, and have low self-esteem, feeling worthless, lonely, and helpless. Therapy provides support, helping the codependent person understand why they function in a certain way and what mechanisms drive their behavior. Therapy encourages the development of healthier and more effective strategies for living and helps change how the person deals with the addicted individual. I invite you to take action—to take the first step towards a better life. If you feel you need support, don't hesitate to seek help. Remember, you have the power to make changes and create new, healthier patterns. Acceptance and understanding of your own codependency is the first step to healing and a better life.

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